<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>dragons and memories by challaudaku</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24900943">dragons and memories</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/challaudaku/pseuds/challaudaku'>challaudaku</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:35:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,033</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24900943</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/challaudaku/pseuds/challaudaku</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"You know Occlumency. You saved my life with it," Potter says, filling the open air with his words. His statement hangs in the air, lingering, before hitting Draco head on.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>185</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>dragons and memories</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>warning for a panic attack and talking about trauma. also dumb gays :p</p><p>for ana &lt;3</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Draco flinches and he hates himself and he wants to curl up upon himself and sink into the ground because he <em>flinches</em>. Harry <em>freaking</em> Potter just sat down next to Draco and Draco <em>flinches</em>.</p><p>They're both in the Room of Hidden Things, except it's more the Room of Burned Things now. Scorched books are spread out around them, now-black pieces of wood are crumbling, and ash litters the ground. It's slightly sad, for Draco; this room has been his <em>home</em> for the better part of a year. It's not such a great home, but there's no denying it. It was his home.</p><p>Draco had found a piece of clean ground to sit on and just think alone with his own thoughts. Except now he's not alone</p><p>Draco has no energy to ask Potter how or why he's here — they both just finished a <em>war</em>, for Merlin's sake! — so he instead shoots him a deep glare, hoping it conveys everything he's feeling. The war is over, yes, but the two of them aren't <em>friends</em>.</p><p>Merlin. Draco can't even get away from Potter and all his glory when he specifically goes to one of the most secret spots in all of Hogwarts.</p><p>"How did you do it?"</p><p>Potter's voice is soft and sore. He sounds — well, he sounds like Draco feels inside: tired. A type of tiredness that reaches your bones and touches your skin and makes your muscles want to collapse. A tired people can <em>see</em>, but when they ask you what's wrong, you'll say that you're fine, just tired, because you <em>are</em> just tired. You're not fine, though.</p><p>Draco flinches again as all these thoughts run through his head. It's scaring himself how much he understood from that one question. Or maybe he's thinking too much into Harry's tone.</p><p>He wants to answer Potter's question, he does, but something is making his mouth stay shut. He's not sure if he'd ever have an answer, anyway. He's not quite sure he understands the question anyway.</p><p>So he shrugs instead and looks right in front of him, focusing his eyes on a broken chair that's about to collapse, its legs charred beyond repair. He shifts his attention to a small box, the lock falling off. He just <em>doesn't</em> want to look at Potter.</p><p>"You know Occlumency," Potter says, speaking once again. Draco bites his tongue. Yes, he knows Occlumency. His bones still ache from learning it. He can still remember his Aunt Bellatrix shouting at him for getting it wrong. He can remember her wand in his face, her punishing him whenever he let something slip.</p><p>He doesn't like the memories.</p><p>He heard that his aunt died in the war. Theo had told him before Draco managed to shrug him off. Good. It feels weird to know that she's <em>dead</em> and she'll never come back, but still — good. He had fifteen years without her. He'd like some more.</p><p>"You saved my life with it," Potter says, filling the open air with his words. His statement hangs in the air, lingering, before hitting Draco head on.</p><p>"I —" Draco says, forcing his mouth open. He doesn't really know what to say. It was no big deal? It was a little bit of a big deal for Draco. He could've <em>died</em> if Aunt Bellatrix knew he was lying. To be fair, he didn't lie <em>completely.</em> It's not like he said it <em>wasn't</em> Potter. He just said that he wasn't sure.</p><p>Draco has nothing to say. The memory of Potter in his house still hangs in his head, etched onto his brain like a nightmare he can't stop. He's pretty sure that memory is uncomfortable for them both.</p><p>"Will you teach me Occlumency?"</p><p>And Draco almost chokes on air. Potter, the Great and Noble Potter, is asking <em>Draco</em> to teach him something?</p><p>"What?" Draco says, finally forming a full word. He's not sure that he heard Harry right. Potter, wanting Draco to teach him something. Isn't Perfect Potter perfect at <em>everything</em>?</p><p>"I'm quite bad at Occlumency, to be honest. I'd like to get better."</p><p>When Draco doesn't respond, Potter continues in a rush. "I know that the war is over, and I know that I will almost definitely never have to use again in my life, but a part of me can't help but think that maybe I need to —" he trails off, and Draco turns to face Potter for the first time, to really focus on him. He's looking straight ahead, not letting Draco see any emotions that might be present on his face. His hand is in his pocket — Draco realizes that it's probably curled around his wand.</p><p>Draco almost wants to laugh at Potter's problem. He doesn't even think it's <em>hard</em> to learn it, really. He just had a shitty teacher. Still, Draco might have gone through a war on the wrong side, he's still a Slytherin. He's not just going to give in to Potter for <em>free</em>.</p><p>Draco lets out a breath that he didn't realize he had been holding. Something settles in him, a feeling of hopelessness that has been living within him for the past year. It's how he felt, especially, when he was at home. There were Dementors all around his house at all times; they came with the Dark Lord.</p><p>There's a hole in his stomach that feels like a Dementor sucked it out.</p><p>Draco thinks about this, and he thinks about what he'll want from Potter, and it hits him: he doesn't know how to make a Patronus. Potter does. Maybe if he'll learn how to make a Patronus from Potter, this sinking feeling he has will go away. It's an absurd thought, but still…</p><p>"Only if you give me something in return," Draco says, each word like a creaky door.</p><p>"Of course," Potter says, still staring forward.</p><p>"Teach me how to conjure a Patronus."</p><p>Potter shifts in his seat. He's still not looking at Draco, but Draco can see his brows go forward for a second.</p><p>"Of course," he says after a moment, turning to Draco and giving him a little smile. He takes his hand out of his pocket and Draco was right — he's holding his wand. Draco flinches and shuts his eyes as Potter points it towards him. This is a ruse. Potter is going to kill him now. Draco braces himself to die, but Potter says, instead, "This is yours."</p><p>Draco stares at the wand in Potter's hand, recognizing it, like Potter said, as his own. Furrowing his brows, he takes it, looking as Potter stands up.</p><p>"I'll owl you," he says, shifting. Draco nods, gripping his wand tighter. There's a slight warmth filling him, as if he was missing a part of himself. He watches Harry go before turning back to look at the burnt items around him.</p><p>Merlin. What is he getting into?</p><p>…</p><p>Potter's owl arrives in the middle of his breakfast and it's a welcome distraction. He's sitting at his dining room table alone and eating some eggs that he half-burnt because he's awful at cooking spells and he'll never admit it, but he's actually <em>lonely</em>. His parents aren't in Azkaban — yet — but Draco has <em>specifically</em> tried to avoid them. It's a weird feeling, but he just doesn't want to talk to them. He's not ready.</p><p>So Potter's owl arrives, swooping in through the open window. At least, he assumes that it's Potter's owl; Draco is slightly surprised by it — a tawny owl flies through the window and he thought Potter had a snowy owl. And then he cringes because <em>why does he know what type of owl Potter had</em>?</p><p>He doesn't think anyone else will send him letters, so he unrolls the scroll attached to its little leg and flattens it out, reading every word carefully.</p><p>
  <em>Draco —</em>
</p><p><em>I really don't know what your schedule looks like. To be honest, I don't know what </em>my <em>schedule looks like. But I was being serious about meeting up. I really want to learn Occlumency from you. I wasn't shitting you.</em></p><p>
  <em>Tell me when you're free. My schedule is pretty flexible — I am the Boy-Who-Lived, after all. I know you're rolling your eyes at that right now, but it's true. I get some perks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Maybe we can become actual friends, huh? Malfoy and Potter. That'll be a weird pair.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So, yeah…</em>
</p><p>— <em>Harry</em></p><p>There are a few things that Draco picks up on right away:</p><p>One: Potter thinks they're on a first name basis. He addressed the letter to 'Draco', not 'Malfoy'.</p><p>Second: he cursed. Huh.</p><p>Third: he thinks he knows Draco's habits. He thought that Draco would roll his eyes at that 'Boy-Who-Lived' remark. Well, Draco <em>did</em> roll his eyes, but that's not the point.</p><p>And a fourth thing: he thinks that they'll be friends. Draco is <em>not</em> planning on that. He doesn't need any more attention than his family already gets. Him, a former Slytherin and Death Eater, being friends with Potter, <em>the Boy-Who-Lived</em>. <em>The Prophet</em> would have a field day. Besides, Draco still hates Harry. That's not going to change, no matter how many 'meetings' they have.</p><p>Abandoning his half-eaten breakfast, Draco gets up to get parchment, a quill, and ink to respond.</p><p>
  <em>Potter —</em>
</p><p>He scrawls on the parchment, leaning on his father's desk to have a surface to write on. It's a good beginning. He's not entirely sure what he actually wants to say. There's a lot he <em>could</em> say.</p><p>Instead, he just writes</p><p>
  <em>Meet at Malfoy Manor at eight on Thursday.</em>
</p><p>He doesn't bother to sign it. He doesn't bother to see if his parents are going to be home.</p><p>He doesn't really expect Potter to show up.</p><p>…</p><p>The doorbell rings on Thursday night at seven-thirty in the evening and Draco almost has a heart attack. In an attempt to stave off the boredom, he had spent the evening holed up in his father's study, reading books about herbology, before the doorbell took him out of his dull glaze. He didn't even know they <em>had</em> a doorbell. The sound echoes around the house, vibrating against the walls.</p><p>Trying to slow his heart down, Draco leaves the study to head towards the front. He wrenches open the door to see Potter standing there. Perfect Potter. Merlin.</p><p>"It's not eight o'clock yet," Draco notes, shooting Potter a glare. He shrugs, standing up straighter.</p><p>"It's better to be early than late, I figure."</p><p>Draco makes a humming sound in his throat before turning and walking back towards the study. Judging by the sound of footsteps behind him, Potter's following him.</p><p>"So, Occlumency," Potter says as they enter the Malfoys' study. Draco turns around to see him looking around at the walls of books. Draco raises his eyebrows.</p><p>"I'm going to be honest with you — I don't really know how to <em>teach</em> it," Draco admits. He learned it, sure, but teaching is different than learning it.</p><p>"Just teach me the same way you learned," Potter says, taking a seat in one of the armchairs. Draco cringes — that's his <em>father's </em>chair — but he doesn't say anything. His father isn't here, after all. He would just never sit there himself.</p><p>Also, Potter's sentence is really funny. Draco learned from his Aunt Bellatrix. If Potter <em>really</em> wanted to learn that way, he must be some type of masochist. Draco's bones ache just from thinking about it.</p><p>Yeah, that method probably isn't the best way to teach someone how to do Occlumency.</p><p>He still remembers the spell, though — <em>Legilimens</em>.</p><p>"Okay," Draco says. He brings his wand out from his pocket and can feel a warmth spreading through him. He's thankful that Potter bothered to return his wand; it feels <em>so</em> good to use. It's almost like everything is normal.</p><p>Potter raises an eyebrow as Draco takes his stance.</p><p>"You may want to brace yourself," Draco offers, pointing his wand. He's still standing, while Potter grips the arms of the chair he's sitting in. Potter's face drops, and Draco knows that Potter knows what he's about to do. He does it anyway. "<em>Legilimens</em>"</p><p>Draco's actually surprised that the spell worked, at first. And then he's sucked into Harry's memories.</p><p>…</p><p><em>Potter's five, and he's slaving away at a picture</em> <em>with a bunch of broken crayons. He makes one last stroke and looks at it, pleased. It's a happy family, with little Harry Potter, his Auntie Petunia, his Uncle Vernon, and his cousin Dudley. He holds it up, beaming, for a woman, who shoves it away, turning to the other boy there — a fat lump of a boy with shining blond hair. Potter clutches his pictures.</em></p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>Potter's seven and he's in the park. Some other boys are at the swing set, including the blond boy from the last memory. Potter walks over to them, looking hopeful, and asks them something — maybe if he can play with them. They ignore him, playing on without him. Potter walks away dejected.</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>Potter's nine and he's running from a dog. No matter how fast he runs, the dog keeps on coming after him. On the sidelines, a gigantic woman watches and laughs, urging her dog on. Potter's forced to climb a tree, the dog barking at the base of the trunk.</em>
</p><p>…</p><p>Draco pulls out, a little bit shaken.</p><p>"I'm still shit at that," Potter says, looking shaken too. Draco opens his mouth — he has so many <em>questions</em> — but he doesn't say anything, instead shutting it and shrugging.</p><p>"Do you want to do more?" Draco offers. He's hoping that Harry says no, because he honestly doesn't want to <em>see</em> any more.</p><p>Harry looks up at Draco, and there's uncertainty in his eyes. The look almost makes Draco want to laugh, but he doesn't. His mouth tastes bitter.</p><p>"I don't understand," Harry says, averting his eyes from Draco and clenching his jaw. "I can't clear my mind. Why can't I clear my mind?"</p><p>Draco doesn't have an answer. He's terrible at this, and he's sure that he's not the only one who knows it.</p><p>"How did you learn?" Harry asks, and it's a fair question. He must have a pretty dreadful expression, though, because Harry quickly adds on, "You don't have to answer that."</p><p>Draco feels like he's trying to swallow a bag of marbles. Still, he owes Harry that. He at least owes an explanation of <em>why</em> he's so bad at teaching Occlumency — he had a bad teacher in the first place.</p><p>"My aunt," he manages to say, and Harry's eyes flash with slight recognition. Still, he elaborates, "Bellatrix Lestrange. Who is my aunt. And the Death Eater. Yeah."</p><p>"Well, I assumed it wasn't your aunt Andromeda," Harry says, and Draco clicks his tongue. He knows that he has an aunt that he's never met, one that's been disowned from the family, but to hear Harry mention her makes Draco feel something weird inside. He doesn't respond.</p><p>"That…" Harry says, cutting through the silence. Draco averts his eyes, because he doesn't want or need Harry's pity. "That <em>sucks</em>," he finishes, and he says it with such fervor, that Draco can't help but laugh a little bit.</p><p>And then he laughs a little bit more. And he's probably freaking Harry out, just a little bit, but he can't stop laughing. He laughs until his ribs hurt, and he has to double over.</p><p>It feels good.</p><p>Because, yeah, that sucked, it sucks, everything sucks.</p><p>He summed it up.</p><p>"Er," Harry says, and Draco manages to sober up.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he says, sincere. "But that's true. It sucks." And now Harry looks guilty, which isn't what Draco wanted at all. He doesn't want Harry's guilt, or pity, or anything. "It doesn't matter now, anyway," he says, and suddenly his good mood is diminished. "I just don't really know how to teach it." Harry nods, and his guilty expression isn't gone, which Draco doesn't like.</p><p>"Well, I had a decent teacher to learn how to produce a Patronus, so we can switch if you want," Harry offers. It's an easy out, but Draco's appreciative of it and he nods.</p><p>Harry, having been given the chance to do something he <em>knows</em>, immediately looks like he's at ease.</p><p>"Okay, so I had a Dementor to train against, but we don't have that, so we're just going to try without it. It'll be much harder when you're actually facing one, though, so keep that in mind," Harry says, and Draco feels a nervousness course throughout him. What if he sucks? He's going to suck. He's going to suck so bad and then Harry's going to turn around to Granger and Weasley and tell them how bad Draco sucks at everything, just like they thought he did.</p><p>He needs to stop being so paranoid.</p><p>"Alright," he says instead, hoping none of his nerves shine through. Knowing his luck, they probably do.</p><p>"The concept is simple, but the act is hard," Harry says. "There are two different forms, a corporeal and an incorporeal. A corporeal is a fully formed Patronus, which is very difficult, so don't worry if it takes a while to conjure one." Harry starts pacing as he talks, and Draco stays still, following him with his eyes. "Now, the trick is that you have to think of a happy memory. One that's pure happiness." Harry finally pauses, and Draco blinks, digesting what Harry's said. "Would you like to try or would you like me to demonstrate?" he offers.</p><p>"You demonstrate," Draco says, and his mouth feels dry. He's trying to rack his mind for some type of memory to use.</p><p>Harry stands up across from Draco and pulls out his wand. With just a slight hesitation, he exclaims, "<em>Expecto Patronum!</em>" A silver stag bursts out of the tip of his wand, and it gallops up to Draco before dissipating. It takes a second for Draco to remember to close his mouth.</p><p>"What did you think about?" Draco asks, and he doesn't even think about if he's asking too personal of a question. He just knows that he wants to be able to do that.</p><p>"My parents," Harry says without missing a beat. "It's sort of cheating since it's not really a <em>memory</em>, but when I got close to dementors, I heard my mother dying, so I used that against them and turned it into something good."</p><p>Draco wasn't expecting him to be that honest. It makes him feel a little bit grateful, because he might not have the best relationship with his parents, but he never had to hear them die.</p><p>Still, he doesn't have a freaking memory to use.</p><p>"Do you want to try?" Harry asks, and Draco wants to say no, but he nods instead.</p><p>He grips his wand, holding it out, and his palm feels sweaty. His mind goes blank, and it's sort of ironic, because that's the thing that Harry's struggling with.</p><p>"<em>Expecto Patronum</em>," he says, and it sounds weak, even to him. Nothing comes out of his wand. He closes his eyes, and he doesn't see Harry walk over next to him, but he feels Harry push his arm down.</p><p>"What were you thinking about?" he asks gently, and Draco <em>hates</em> the tone of Harry's voice. It sounds pitiful.</p><p>"I don't know," Draco spits out bitterly, his eyes flying open.</p><p>"Just, try to think of something happy," Harry says, in that same soft tone. It irritates Draco further. "Something, that in utter darkness that Dementors bring, could get you to see the light."</p><p>"Sorry," Draco says, the words falling out of his mouth before he can stop them. "I don't have many happy things in my life."</p><p>Harry's silent. Draco wants to say anything to break the silence, to laugh it off as if it's nothing. Out of the corner of his eye, Draco sees Harry move and pull something out of his pocket.</p><p>"Here," he says, holding it out to Draco. Draco looks to see Harry offering him a bar of chocolate. "It's medicinal. Against Dementors." When Draco doesn't take it, Harry sighs. "It's stupid, I know, since we're not using a Dementor, but when I was learning, my… instructor… gave me a lot of chocolate, so."</p><p>Harry shrugs. Draco notes the change in his tone when he starts talking about his own experience learning to produce a Patronus, and he itches to ask more. Instead, though, he grabs the chocolate.</p><p>"Thanks," he says, and he feels like a lame teacher. All his teacher gave him were curses. He doesn't really have a clue what he could give.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Draco says, and he lets out a low exhale. "I'm shit at this."</p><p>"I'm not much better at Occlumency, as you've seen," Harry replies with a slight laugh. He moves away from Draco, and sits back down in one of his father's chairs. Draco imagines his father's reaction at Harry sitting in his chair. He imagines his father's reaction to this whole lesson thing. He doesn't think it'd be overly positive.</p><p>Draco shifts where he's standing, and he's not sure what else to say.</p><p>"Maybe we should call it a night," he suggests. They've probably been practicing for less than half an hour, but Draco already itches to go to the safety of his room and his bed. He's been too social.</p><p>"Yeah, okay," Harry agrees, but Draco can see him look slightly disappointed and try to hide it. He stands up and walks over to Draco. They stand like that, face-to-face, for a few awkward moments before Harry claps a hand on Draco's shoulder.</p><p>It doesn't really help with the awkwardness.</p><p>"Owl me, okay?" Harry says, and Draco doesn't know what else to do but nod. "I'd like to do this again."</p><p>Draco's not sure if he'll follow up.</p><p>…</p><p>When the battle was first over and Draco got cleared by the Ministry of Magic to go home, he immediately cleared his room out in a fit of rage. The vanishing spell had never gotten so much use since he was practicing it in his fourth year. He had left everything but his bed, and then he had crawled into it and cried. He had cried because of the war, because his friends, however fake, had <em>died</em>, because he was so <em>tired.</em></p><p>Eventually, his bodily needs had forced him to get up, and since then, he had tried to keep a stable schedule. He would get up and eat something every single day. He had tried to keep himself busy, reading books that he snuck to his room from his father's study, or wandering around the huge house he had grown up in but never really bothered to explore. He had tried to avoid his parents as best as he could, slipping into a different room if he ever saw a glance of them.</p><p>Seeing Harry had thrown him off. Draco spends the next several days holed up in his bedroom, exiting only for necessities. He doesn't know why he's reacting in such a way. It's childish really — but that's exactly how Harry made him feel. Like he was a child again.</p><p>On the third or fourth day, there's a knock on his door. Before he can say "come in" — or "go away", like he was planning on doing — his mother turns the knob and enters.</p><p>Of course, a war couldn't make his mother act any less proper. No matter what, his mother always had to put on a dress. She always had to do her hair and wear makeup. When he was little, Draco had asked his mother why she always went to the effort of dressing up, and she told him that they were Malfoys — appearances made up half of how people perceived them.</p><p>Except, now, does it even matter? Everyone in the Wizarding World knows their names, yes, but as Death Eaters. The family that supported the Dark Lord. They're going to have a bad reputation anyway, no matter what they dress like.</p><p>Draco doesn't make a move to greet his mother. He watches from the comfort of his bed as his mother looks around at his nearly empty room.</p><p>"This is… different," she notes. She finally looks over at Draco's bed and makes eye contact with him. She frowns, and maybe it's at the fact that Draco is under a pile of blankets and is making no move to get up. "Your room wasn't always like this, right?"</p><p>Draco tries to hide his irritation that his mother doesn't know what his room had looked like. Typical of his parents to be so distant that they're not even sure if a drastic change is a change at all.</p><p>"No," he makes himself say. He has a number of rude things to tell her, but instead he keeps his mouth shut. Honestly, she didn't do anything to warrant him being rude to her.</p><p>His mother frowns again, and she makes her way over to his bed. Mentally, Draco prepares defenses to avoid any questions she might ask him. He doesn't really think that his mother would try and read his mind, but still. His mind goes blank. He doesn't want a long conversation about the war and about his feelings.</p><p>With a small sigh, Draco's mother gingerly sits at the edge of his bed. She studies Draco's face, which probably doesn't have the happiest expression right now, and he waits for her to say something.</p><p>"Your father and I have gotten trial dates," she finally says, and Draco can't help the thoughts that pour into his head.</p><p>His parents have a trial date? He didn't even know that they were having a trial at all. Is it because they were Death Eaters? Is he going to be expected to have a trial? He wasn't told he was going to have a trial. Are his parents going to Azkaban? Is he going to be able to keep on living in his parents' manor?</p><p>Instead of asking any of his questions, Draco just replies, "Okay."</p><p>"Your father and I would both like you to be there," she says next. Draco's stomach drops. While he had been trying to maintain some sense of normalcy after the war, it was all from the comfort of his own house. Going to his parents' trials would mean leaving the house. It would mean being under everyone else's scrutiny. He's not too pleased at that idea.</p><p>Still, he doesn't know what else to say, so he says, "Okay."</p><p>His mother seems almost disappointed at him not saying more.</p><p>…</p><p>A week later, Draco drags himself out of bed, puts on a suit, and faces both of his parents for the first time in weeks. His father gives him a curt nod, and his mother gives him a hug that he can't make himself return, and they apparate to the Ministry of Magic together.</p><p>He doesn't pay much attention to the trial itself. He sits next to his father and tries to avoid everyone's eyes that he can feel crawling all over him. He even avoids Harry, who's in the audience, a few rows over from Draco, and who tries to catch his eye.</p><p>His mother's trial is first, and Draco makes his mind go blank. He doesn't want to know about all of the bad things his mother did, and frankly, he doesn't care. What does catch his attention, though, is when Harry himself goes to testify. To Draco's shock, Harry tells the judges about how Draco's mother saved his life — when he went to the Forest to confront the Dark Lord, Harry pretended to be dead in front of the Death Eaters, and Draco's mom went along with the lie.</p><p>Draco didn't even know that.</p><p>It bothers Draco that Harry seems upset talking about the war. It makes sense — out of everyone in the Wizarding World, he must have been the most affected. It also bothers him that it bothers him. It's a vicious cycle.</p><p>His mother receives a fine, but no imprisonment.</p><p>The judges announce that there will be a break before Draco's father's trial, and Draco spends the hour in his seat, while his father goes to talk to the judges.</p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, Draco sees Harry taking his father's vacant seat. He keeps his gaze straight ahead, though. He'd rather not make any conversation right now.</p><p>Despite that, Harry says, "Hello."</p><p>Draco quickly goes over the pros and cons of just ignoring Harry — he wouldn't have to talk to anybody, just like he wants, but Harry might think he's rude and then they'd go back to disliking each other.</p><p>For some odd reason, Draco doesn't want that more than he wants to not talk, so he parrots back, "Hello."</p><p>"Are you okay?" Harry asks, and the question is short of shocking to Draco. He tries to keep his surprise down as he continues to look ahead. He lies with a nod. Harry's silent.</p><p>"If you ever want to talk about it, you can always owl me," Harry says finally, and Draco appreciates the gesture. He'll probably never take him up on it, though.</p><p>Draco turns his head to face Harry just as his mother approaches. Harry gets up, nodding at her, and as soon as Harry's gone, Draco's mother sits down next to him.</p><p>She grabs his hand and squeezes it just as everyone makes a move to sit back down and his father's trial is about to start. Draco doesn't squeeze her hand back, he just turns his head to face the trial.</p><p>But he doesn't pull away.</p><p>His father's trial seems to go faster than his mother's but Draco still doesn't pay attention. In the end, his father gets one year in Azkaban — in the new non-Dementor portion. The thought of his father going to prison at all makes his stomach flop. Still, when the courtroom clears and him and his mother are allowed to talk to his father, he doesn't know what to say.</p><p>He says nothing.</p><p>His father is led away, and his mother dries her tears with a handkerchief, and Draco feels queasy.</p><p>When he gets home, he heads right back to his bedroom.</p><p>…</p><p>The second letter comes later than he expected. He expected it to come soon after the trials, because Harry saw him in person. It comes a week later, when Draco's once again eating breakfast, but Draco's glad for the distraction nonetheless.</p><p>He had avoided his parents when they had got home initially, so there wasn't much noise in the house anyway, but the big house somehow seems even quieter with the knowledge that his father isn't there. It's annoying.</p><p>This letter is much shorter than the first. It just says four words: <em>When are you free?</em> There's not even a signature. Draco hesitates before responding — what if Harry's upset at him for some reason? — before figuring that Harry was probably just in a rush when he wrote the letter.</p><p><em>Come next week. Same day, same time</em>, he writes, and he ties the letter to the tawny owl to deliver it.</p><p>Abandoning his breakfast and promising to clean it up later, he heads to his family's library. If he's going to attempt to teach Harry Occlumency, he might as well learn more about it. His family library is extensive, with topics from Quidditch to potions.</p><p>He finally finds a series of books, all about Occlumency. Just what he wanted. He takes them all to his room, and he starts to read.</p><p>…</p><p>Harry comes more prepared than Draco. They go to the study again, and as soon as the door closes, Harry's pulling out a long piece of parchment.</p><p>"I made a list," he says, as Draco stares at him in astonishment.</p><p>"Of what?" Draco asks slowly. Harry hands the parchment over to him, and the top of the page says <em>Memories.</em></p><p>"Potential happy memories you could use," he explains. "It's pretty generic, but one of those might be able to work.</p><p>Draco reads down the list, frowning. <em>Hanging out with friends over summer holiday. Riding a broom for the first time. Going on holiday with family. Going to Hogwarts for the first time.</em></p><p>"It's stupid," Harry says, seeing the expression on Draco's face.</p><p>"It's not," he replies as he gets to the end of the list, and it's true, because he appreciates the gesture. He appreciates that Harry really cares about teaching him how to produce a Patronus. It's just — "None of these memories are really happy to me."</p><p>Draco looks back at Harry, and he doesn't like the pitying expression on his face. Draco doesn't like the conversation at all. Why did he want to learn something that is causing him to talk about his emotions? He really regrets it.</p><p>"Who taught you in the first place?" Draco asks suddenly. It's him trying to get the conversation away from him, but he's also curious.</p><p>"Professor Lupin," Harry replies, after a beat.</p><p>Draco knew that it would've had to be during their third year. He remembers it being used against <em>him</em> in fact. The memory makes him cringe.</p><p>"I'm sorry," he says, and the words are surprisingly easy to get out</p><p>"For what?" Harry asks, and Draco's surprised that <em>Harry </em>sounds genuinely surprised.</p><p>"For dressing up as a Dementor to try and scare you. I was a dumb kid and I —" Draco doesn't know what to say because every excuse he has seems fake. He honestly doesn't know why he did it, or why he did the dozen other things he did to harass Harry and his friends. "I don't know why I did that."</p><p>Or maybe he does. Because he was lonely, and he was jealous of Harry's friendships, genuine, not-bought friendships, and he was upset that he was rebuffed by Harry, and he was sick of his father telling him that he should've been friends with the Boy-Who-Lived.</p><p>Still, it's not a good excuse. And it's not like he's going to tell Harry that.</p><p>Harry's quiet, giving Draco enough time to stew in his emotion. When the quiet goes on for just long enough — long enough that Draco has the urge to open his mouth and say more stupid things, Harry says, "I forgive you. I forgave you for that a long time ago."</p><p>Draco turns to look at Harry, and he has no reason to disbelieve him. The look on his face feels genuine, and Draco thinks, maybe this is what having a real friend feels like.</p><p>"We were kids," Harry says with a little shrug. "So."</p><p>Draco nods, and he can't make himself verbally accept the forgiveness, because if he opens his mouth, more word vomit might come out.</p><p>"Besides," Harry continues, and Draco realizes that he might be having his own bout of word vomit, "I almost killed you, which I think makes up for trying to humiliate me." Draco doesn't respond, because Draco doesn't even know what Harry's talking about. "In sixth year," Harry elaborates.</p><p>"Oh," Draco says, and oh Draco thinks, because the scars on his chest hurt again — or maybe that's his heart pounding. In the blur that was their sixth year, that detail seemed irrelevant. It's as faded as the scars on his body.</p><p>"I almost killed you, and you repaid me by lying to your entire family to save my life," Harry says quietly. He gives another small shrug as Draco steals a glance at him again.</p><p>It hits him: Harry's <em>apologizing </em>to Draco. Well, that's —</p><p>"You don't have to do that," Draco says, holding out an arm to steady himself, even though he's already sitting. He feels slightly light-headed. This isn't what's supposed to happen. They're not supposed to be locked in an apologizing circle.</p><p>"I do," Harry rebuts, slowly, quietly. "You may have hurt me, but we were kids. I hurt you way more than teasing."</p><p>"That was one time," Draco says, getting a little bit fed up. Of course, Harry is so <em>noble</em> that he has to apologize and act like such a good guy. "I <em>bullied</em> you for the first five years of our schooling." Harry makes a little noise of disagreement, so Draco continues, "And not just that, but to your friends, too. To Granger and Weasley. I <em>sucked</em>."</p><p>Harry's quiet, and Draco feels triumphant, but he doesn't know what he's won. Harry not wanting to continue their lessons after just a few times? Harry going back to hating him and them having the bitter rivalry they had when they were in school?</p><p>He's not sure he likes the prize.</p><p>After the silence goes on for long enough for it to roar in Draco's ears, Harry finally whispers, "I forgave you for that a long time ago. If I held any burden, it would be too much for me. I'd like to be your friend, Draco. Not your enemy."</p><p>Draco blinks, and Harry's hand appears in front of him. He swallows hard and makes the split-second decision to take it.</p><p>"I'd like that, too," he whispers, and the roaring in Draco's ears goes silent.</p><p>"Tell me about yourself," Harry says. Draco steals a glance at him, and there's no judgment in Harry's face. It makes Draco nervous.</p><p>"Why?" he asks, and Harry shrugs.</p><p>"It might make things easier. It'll give me maybe an idea of what happy memory we can use and then we can practice after," he responds. Draco looks away from him, and he nods.</p><p>They end up not doing much practicing. Instead, Draco decides, for once, to let someone in. It hits him that he's never had a real friend before. He's not sure if he's supposed to dump all of his emotional trauma on his newfound friend, but somehow he can't stop himself from ranting. He rants about his parents, and how they expected him to be perfect all of the time. He rants about how he <em>knows</em> that he grew up with a lot more than other people, but it was still stressful, trying to live up to his parents' expectations. He rants about how he doesn't really feel any remorse that his father's in jail, and he hates that he doesn't care.</p><p>Harry's a good listener. Draco feels bad, putting a whole bunch at him at once, but Harry doesn't seem to mind. It's nice.</p><p>He doesn't get to use any of the methods he learned about in his books, but that's okay. By the time Harry leaves, they already make places to practice at the same time next week.</p><p>Draco honestly looks forward to it.</p><p>…</p><p>Draco had been looking forward to Harry coming all week. The thought of his next meeting with Harry makes him feel jittery. His stomach keeps on flopping at the thought, but he doesn't actually mind it. It's sort of nice.</p><p>When Harry arrives, right as scheduled, the jitteriness doesn't stop. It's weird. But it's good.</p><p>"Hi," he says to Harry as he closes the door to the study.</p><p>"Hi," Harry says, giving Draco a small smile. It makes Draco feel slightly melty, and he thinks about how good it is to finally have someone who's a real, true friend.</p><p>"I have bad news, actually," Harry says, breaking the silence. "I didn't particularly come to practice today." Draco's good mood is instantly destroyed.</p><p>What news is bad enough that Harry had to come over to tell it to him in person? His mind immediately goes to the worst possible scenario. Harry doesn't want to do their lessons anymore. In fact, he never wanted to do them. He never wanted to be Draco's friend, and it was all some big joke on Draco. It's deserved; Draco spent too long taking the piss out of Harry, so it's about time he receives his comeuppance.</p><p>Except, when Harry finally says what the news actually <em>is</em>, it's worse than Draco expects.</p><p>"You need to have a trial."</p><p>…</p><p>Draco's freaking out. Draco's been freaking out, ever since Harry told him that he had to have a trial. He had started freaking out when the words finished leaving Harry's mouth, he continued to freak out when Harry told him the date and what to do on the day, and the freaking out persisted even after Harry had reassured him that he was going to be fine. He had freaked out after Harry had left, and he had freaked out going to bed, and he had woken up freaking out, and now, two weeks later, the day of his trial, he's still freaking out. He doesn't know how to stop it.</p><p>His mother wakes him up by walking into his room early in the morning. The smell of bacon and eggs fill his room, and a tray of breakfast is placed in front of him. He can't make himself eat.</p><p>His mother sits on the edge of his bed and runs her fingers through his hair. "It'll be okay," she whispers to him. Draco realizes that he hasn't even acknowledged her presence. He's been too busy freaking out. He appreciates her trying to comfort him, it just doesn't work.</p><p>"I got out," she tells him, in an attempt to reassure him. It's a nice try, but he suddenly thinks of his father. His father got jail.</p><p>Unfortunately, he thinks he's more like his father than his mother.</p><p>Harry had told him that he would testify at his trial, but Draco's thinking about it now, and Harry never said that he would testify <em>for</em> Draco. Draco's going to go on the chair and Harry's going to get up and list off of the awful things Draco has done to him, starting with stealing Longbottom's ball-thing in their first year, and culminating in him <em>attempting to kill Albus Dumbledore</em>.</p><p>Draco's going to go to Azkaban.</p><p>A tear falls out of his eye, and his mother wipes it away with her thumb.</p><p>…</p><p>Draco doesn't remember getting dressed or going to the Ministry, but the next thing he knows, he's sitting in a chair in his best suit, with three dozen people staring down at him.</p><p>"Please state your name," one of the people in the audience says, someone wearing long robes.</p><p>His mouth unsticks long enough for him to say, "Draco Malfoy."</p><p>The person that Draco presumes is the head judge nods and writes something down as if they didn't know Draco's name. They ask him questions, and Draco really can't concentrate on what's being asked. His brain goes into autopilot, answering the questions without thinking. He tells the judges about his life and how he grew up around the Dark Arts.</p><p>He tells them about him taking the Dark Mark when he was sixteen, and he wants to build up his walls so badly. He wants to say that he didn't really care about it, or that it was his choice or anything to save him the embarrassment of saying his true feelings. He knows, though, that it could be that the difference between him getting locked up and him going free.</p><p>So he makes the split-second decision to be truthful and he says that he was scared. He had been terrified, actually, and he had spent his sixth year with an impossible task. He had spent the entire year in torture and he had to do the impossible, and he nearly killed himself trying to figure out what to do that year, and he couldn't even do it, and he —</p><p>He goes silent. He can't talk anymore. Blinking back the tears, Draco tries to make his mind go blank, he tries to detach himself from his feelings, just as if he was talking to the Dark Lord again and hiding his fear from him.. He can't do this. He'd rather just go be jailed.</p><p>The head judge waits for him to say more, and when he doesn't, she thanks him. Draco wonders for what.</p><p>Draco shuts his eyes tight, trying to think about anything else other than the situation he's in right now. When he opens his eyes, Harry is sitting in a chair near him.</p><p>Of course Harry is testifying, just like he said he would, the noble dick.</p><p>Harry tells the same story Draco does, except for some reason, Draco's the hero in his story. Harry goes through Draco's life as <em>he</em> sees it, and he admits that Draco had been a jerk when he was younger, yes, but Harry tells the judges how Draco was raised in an unhealthy environment, with his father being a Death Eater. It makes Draco slightly uncomfortable, to hear the truth of his childhood, but he supposes it's just that — the truth. Harry says how he saw Draco's fear and uncertainty up close, on the Astronomy Tower, and how he only took the Dark Mark and the job to protect his family. Draco didn't know that Harry saw all of that, he realizes, and it makes him feel strange, to know that Harry's seen in him probably his worst moment. Draco's stomach does a weird little somersault when Draco tells the judges that he didn't kill Dubmledore; that he probably never would have. Harry continues to talk about when Harry was brought to Malfoy Manor, with Hermione and Ron. Draco could have, Harry says, told everyone that he knew exactly who the three prisoners were — but he didn't. When Harry finishes talking about Malfoy Manor, Draco thinks he's done, but he adds on that, in a weird way, Draco being forced to assassinate Dumbledore saved Harry's life; when Harry disarmed him, months later, the Elder Wand switched allegiances and Harry defeated Voldemort because of it.</p><p>Harry finishes, and Draco fidgets in his seat when the judges say they need a minute to deliberate. He expects Harry to leave his seat, but a quick glance to his right tells Draco that Harry's still sitting there, looking as stressed as Draco feels.</p><p>After what seems like hours, the head judge turns back to Draco, a whisper of a smile on her face.</p><p>"We declare you, Draco Malfoy, free of all charges," she says.</p><p>The words take a second to register in Draco's mind, but once they do, they spread throughout his body like a balm, instantly calming him. He turns to Harry, still sitting at his side. Harry's grin reaches his eyes, and it makes Draco's good feeling spread. He wants to go to Harry, and hug him, and place his face in his neck, and breathe him in hard.</p><p>However, he remembers where he is and who he is. Instead of doing that, he turns back to the judges.</p><p>"Thank you," he says, willing his emotions to not spill over. He's full to the brim with feelings, and the last thing he needs is to <em>cry</em> in front of the judges. The head judge nods, and he knows that he's dismissed as everyone starts to stand up and walk away. It takes him a second to get up, but once he does, he doesn't even have time to move before Harry's flinging his arms around his neck.</p><p>Draco hugs Harry back, and it feels so utterly natural to breathe him in, to wrap his arms around him tightly as if he never has to let go of him. It doesn't last as long as Draco would like, though, because all of a sudden, Harry jumps away from Draco quickly. His eyes fix on something behind Draco, and Draco whips around to come face to face with his mother.</p><p>"Hi," he whispers, and his mother closes the distance between them by wrapping Draco in a hug. The hug is different, less intense, than Draco's hug with Harry, but he appreciates the comfort just as much.</p><p>Draco pulls away and looks behind him at Harry, who's standing there, watching them, and shifting from foot to foot awkwardly.</p><p>"Er," Draco says, gesturing to Harry. Nervousness explodes in his stomach, and he can feel a drop of perspiration appear across his forehead. All he can think is, <em>really</em>? He just had a trial, where he could've been sent to <em>Azkaban</em>, and yet the thing that makes him <em>sweat</em> is introducing Harry to his mother? They both know each other, honestly. Plus, Draco doesn't <em>sweat</em>. It's unbefitting of him. "Mum, this is Harry."</p><p>Harry nods at Draco's mother, and his mother gives Harry a faint smile back.</p><p>"Are we still on for Thursday?" Harry asks, wiping his hands on his pants. His mother clicks her tongue from beside Draco, but he ignores it.</p><p>"Of course," Draco says, smiling, and feeling lighter than he has in months. A weight he didn't even know he had was lifted off of him. He's free, he's going to see Harry soon, maybe his life can get back to normal.</p><p>Harry beams at him and then waves at the Malfoys and turns to go. After watching his retreating back leave the room, Draco turns back to his mother. His mother is still watching the place where Harry was standing, her eyebrows raised, and her eyes wide.</p><p>"What?" Draco demands, furrowing his brows at her expression. She shakes her head and shrugs, but she still looks shocked.</p><p>Draco decides to not dwell on it. He has better things to dwell on, like Harry, and their upcoming lesson.</p><p>…</p><p>By this point, they've fallen into a nice rhythm with their lessons. Which is why, when Harry comes to Malfoy Manor on Thursday and they go into the study, Harry demands Draco to try the Patronus charm immediately.</p><p>"What?" Draco asks, taken aback, but pulling his wand out of his pants pocket all the same.</p><p>"Just, think about your trial, and how it felt knowing that you're getting to go," he demands. "I saw your eyes when she said the verdict. I saw that you were <em>happy</em>."</p><p>Draco feels touched that Harry noticed. He feels even more touched that Harry thinks he can actually produce this spell.</p><p>"<em>Expecto</em> —" Draco says, and he feels like he doesn't really mean it, and he's afraid to complete the spell. It might not work. He wants it to work, so badly.</p><p>"Good, keep going," Harry encourages, and Draco braces himself. He thinks of the euphoria he had felt when the judge told him he was going to go free, and he thinks of the joy in Harry's eyes when he had heard the verdict.</p><p>"<em>Expecto Patronum!</em>" he yells definitely. Silvery vapor shoots out from his wand, and he's so surprised at him actually doing something that he immediately drops it. Exhaustion runs through him, suddenly and he hunches over, breathing hard.</p><p>"That was good," Harry says. When Draco looks back up at him, he's beaming. "I wouldn't expect you to produce a corporeal Patronus, but if you met a dementor, you'd be okay, with that."</p><p>Draco lets a small grin come onto his face. He actually did something!</p><p>"I think that's enough for you, today," Harry says, and Draco's chest is still heaving a bit, so he agrees with a nod.</p><p>He knows it's his turn to be the teacher now, and he takes a second to slow his breathing and collect his thoughts.</p><p>"I've been teaching you all wrong," Draco admits. Harry frowns, and Draco continues, "I've been trying to teach you how I learned, rather than teaching you what I actually do, if that makes sense." Harry does a little half-shrug, and Draco rambles on before he loses his nerve. "With Occlumency, dissociation is important. It's not so much clearing your mind as it is detaching yourself from your emotions and not recognizing them as your own. Does that make sense?" he asks, maybe going a little bit too quickly.</p><p>"Not really, no," Harry answers, and Draco can clearly see that he doesn't get it.</p><p>"Look, what are you feeling right now?" he asks, hoping that he isn't overstepping. Harry considers the question for a moment before shrugging and shaking his head. Draco's not sure if that means that he doesn't know or doesn't want to answer. Either way, Draco lets out a long sigh. "Okay, well, I'm feeling a little bit frustrated because you're not giving me much to work off of. I'm also happy, because I was able to produce at least a little Patronus, plus I —" Draco cuts himself off, because he was just about to admit to Harry that he's happy because they're together. Draco doesn't think that he's ready for that. "Because I'm not in Azkaban," he finishes quickly, hoping he's not blushing. He can also add embarrassed to his list of emotions. And then he pulls away.</p><p>It's become an easier thing, to dissociate from his emotions. It's useful, of course, in order to properly block his mind, but it's also nice to not feel something for once. When he starts to care too much about things, when he starts to think too much about the past, or about the war, it's easy to just…</p><p>Not.</p><p>"The emotions are all still there, but they're not mine," he says, slowly becoming numb. Straightening his back, he looks at Harry, but he doesn't feel anything towards him. It's all nothing. "If you want to see what it's like, you can use the spell on me, yourself."</p><p>Harry raises his wand. He hesitates, but Draco sees it and nods at him.</p><p>"Just say "<em>Legilimens</em>" and make a quick jab with your wand," Draco says. Harry frowns, and Draco hopes that he'll be okay. He probably will, right?</p><p>Harry raises his wand and —</p><p>"<em>Legilimens!</em>"</p><p>There's nothing. Draco's vision blinks out, and he's aware of Harry seeing what's happening in his mind. For a moment, his mind is blank, and Draco doesn't see anything.</p><p>And then, something rushes throughout Draco, the memory of his Aunt Bellatrix teaching him Occlumency and he's suddenly on the ground and his aunt is above him, and she's pointing her wand at him. The ruciatus curse floods his body, and Draco tries not to yell, but he fails as the pain floods through him. He yells in his memory, and it takes him a moment to realize that Harry has pulled away, and he's yelling in real-time, too.</p><p>Draco doesn't know when he sank to the ground, but he's staring at the floor of his father's study and breathing hard. The remnants of pain from nearly two years ago are still coursing through his body, and he can feel moisture slide down his cheek. He's not sure if it's sweat or tears, but he keeps his gaze away from Harry's and wipes it away with his sleeve.</p><p>"Draco?" Harry says, his voice soft and unsure, and Draco doesn't want to dwell on it.</p><p>"So that's what you're not supposed to do," Draco finally says, wiping his face again and forcing a little chuckle as he looks up to face Harry. Harry's frowning at him, and Draco recognizes the concern, but he doesn't want to discuss it.</p><p>It's scary to him, that he lost his grip on his emotions. They slammed into him in a way he hasn't let them since his fifth year.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Harry says, and it's the last thing Draco wants to hear. He desperately doesn't want Harry's pity, he desperately doesn't want to let Harry know what he's thinking. He wants to clear his mind, and not feel anything, and he wants to go to sleep and ignore everything he's feeling.</p><p>But when he looks back at Harry, emotions rush him again, and they're messy and muddled and he doesn't do anything as Harry sits down on the ground next to him. Harry doesn't say anything more, so Draco turns to look into Harry's green eyes. Being so close to Harry makes Draco's stomach flop. Draco doesn't know if he imagines it, but Harry leans slightly closer to him. Draco's eyes travel down to Harry's lips, and before he can really register what he's doing, he's leaning in too.</p><p>And then, as soon as it comes, it goes, and Harry leans back. Draco thinks he's imagined it — that he had imagined that they almost just kissed — but he suddenly realizes exactly what he's feeling. It makes his stomach twist, and turn, and he feels slightly sick.</p><p>He doesn't remember them saying goodbye, or Harry leaving his house, but he remembers going to bed and one thought resonating through his head. He would hate to have someone look into his mind right now, because he's usually quite good at clearing it, but he can't stop thinking one thing over and over again. He can't stop thinking about <em>him</em>.</p><p>Draco can't stop thinking about how he has a crush on Harry Potter.</p><p>…</p><p>Draco's ruined it. He can feel it, even without talking to Harry for another week. When Harry arrives at Draco's house, right on schedule, everything feels <em>off</em>. The delicate balance that they've built to be friends has been shattered by Draco's realization.</p><p>Or maybe that's just Draco.</p><p>Because there's no <em>way</em> Harry knows about Draco's crush. He <em>can't</em> know. Except, Harry is being slightly weird, too. It's not just Draco being overly worried, he's pretty sure. Harry's a little bit stiffer. His smile doesn't really reach his eyes when he says hello to Draco.</p><p>A part of Draco hates that he's noticing the small things like that. Another part of Draco is just wondering if Harry is okay.</p><p>"I don't really want to practice today," Harry says as Draco closes the study door behind him.</p><p>"Then why did you come?" Draco asks, and he doesn't mean for it to sound as harsh as it does, but really. Draco honestly is over it. He's over his heart not listening to his mind, and his heart wanting to — to <em>what</em>, really? To date Harry fucking Potter, who's dating Hogwarts' ex-golden girl, because he's Hogwarts' ex-golden boy, <em>and he'll never like Draco in a million years so get over it, really</em>.</p><p>He's over having to see Harry for their little classes, but he's already committed to it. Why should he have to be subjected to seeing Harry if they're not having one those?</p><p>Harry looks taken aback at Draco's question, and a flash of guilt hits him.</p><p>"I wanted to see my friend, sorry?" he replies, and it makes Draco feel even guiltier, because it's not Harry's fault for his heart's own stupidity. They're <em>friends</em>. He's supposed to be that first. "I've had a shit week, and…" Harry lets out a long breath. "I just wanted to see my friend and pretend everything is normal."</p><p>"I'm sorry," Draco says, taking extra caution to soften his tone. It's still surreal for him, having Harry as a friend. He does like it though, but his brain can't help but think that it could be one-sided. That thought scares him. But if Harry's coming to <em>him</em> for comfort? It must go two ways. "What's going on?" he asks. His voice cracks.</p><p>Harry closes his eyes, and Draco immediately thinks he did something wrong. After a few beats of Harry just standing there, he manages to get out, "My girlfriend broke up with me."</p><p>And Draco doesn't know what to say to that. Somehow, he finds himself not caring. That's what makes him feel terrible. Not the fact that his friend broke up with his girlfriend that he's been dating for however long. He doesn't care about that, and somehow not caring makes it worse.</p><p>"Oh," Draco says.</p><p>"Yeah," Harry says, giving Draco a little half-smile. It still doesn't reach his eyes.</p><p>For a brief, crazy second, Draco wonders if it'd be crazy to just <em>go </em>for it and kiss Harry, right then and there. And then he thinks that that would <em>definitely </em>be crazy and it'd break any semblance of friendship Draco has with Harry.</p><p>He pushes that thought down in favor of trying to be a good friend to Harry.</p><p>"Why?" comes out of Draco's mouth, instead of any less personal question. Internally, Draco curses himself, and Harry even looks slightly uncomfortable at the question.</p><p>Harry shrugs and looks down at his shoes. Draco thinks that's fair.</p><p>"Er," Draco says, trying to think of what he would want to hear if he got broken up with. "I'm sorry?" he says, it sounding more like a question. "It'll be okay and there are plenty of other fish in the sea?"</p><p>Harry lets out a little laugh, and it makes Draco's heart give a little leap.</p><p>Which, of course, is exactly what Draco should <em>not</em> be doing. He should not be thinking of Harry like that.</p><p>At the same time, Draco can't help but love Harry's lopsided little smile.</p><p>…</p><p>"You've been avoiding me."</p><p>Draco curses as he hears his mother's voice from behind him. Turning around, he can see her approaching him and he wonders how he could've been so stupid to let his mother catch up with him. Although it's not really a surprise — all Draco can think about is <em>freaking</em> Harry. He hasn't had the thoughts to spare about his mother.</p><p>"It depends on what you mean by avoiding," Draco replies curtly. His mother lets out a deep exhale and walks over to the kitchen table, into Draco's line of vision. Draco looks pointedly down at his coffee.</p><p>His mother looks at him directly and Draco wants to shift away from her, to not look at her, but he forces himself to make cold, steely eye contact with her.</p><p>"Do you want to talk about it?" his mother asks. There must be something showing on his face and Draco doesn't know what, because he's feeling about a million things at once, and he doesn't want to talk about any of them with his mother.</p><p><em>Wipe your mind</em>, he tells himself, trying to listen. <em>Separate from your emotions. They aren't yours, they aren't yours.</em></p><p>And humiliatingly, tears start to come out of his eyes.</p><p>"I don't —" Draco says, and it's <em>awful</em> how thick his voice sounds. His mother gets to him quickly, and Draco doesn't remember the last time he got a hug from his mother, but it feels <em>so </em>good.</p><p>After a few moments, his mother pulls away and squats down so she's looking up at Draco. She waits.</p><p>"Did you love Dad?" Draco blurts out, not at all the question he wanted to ask. His mother hesitates, and Draco has no idea why he's asking her for love advice.</p><p>"I did," his mother answers finally. "It was messy and complicated, but I did. I still do."</p><p>Draco clenches his jaw, and his heart aches to tell her more, to tell her that he thinks he might love someone that he's definitely not supposed to love and that it's tearing him up inside and he doesn't know what to do.</p><p>"How do I know if they really love me?" Draco asks. He hates how his voice cracks, and he blinks his eyes shut.</p><p>"Does she feel —" his mother starts, but Draco cuts her off.</p><p>"He," Draco corrects, and the single word feels daunting and scary and it feels like he just changed his life.</p><p>He's not sure if it's for the better.</p><p>Slowly, Draco opens his eyes again and his mother is looking at him, probably trying to see what Draco's feeling, but Draco looks down at his lap.</p><p>"Does <em>he</em> feel like home to you?" his mother asks. Draco's not sure how to answer. He's not sure he'd like his answer. He's not sure he'd like to face the truth.</p><p>He thinks his lack of an answer is one in itself.</p><p>"If he does," his mother says, "it's worth it."</p><p>…</p><p>It hits Draco an hour before Harry's due to come over: Harry's <em>literally</em> asked him to <em>read his mind</em>. Maybe it's an invasion of his privacy — no, it <em>definitely</em> is — but maybe Draco could accidentally see if Harry likes him or not, and then if the answer is <em>yes</em>, he could ask him out with no fear of rejection. Or he could just find out that Harry <em>doesn't</em> like him that way, and he could stop talking to Harry and die sad and alone.</p><p>He should probably be optimistic.</p><p>Except, when Harry comes over on Thursday, right as scheduled, and Draco closes the door to his father's study, Harry announces, "I think I might have gotten it."</p><p>And isn't that just fantastic?</p><p>"Great!" Draco says, probably being overly excited, but what else is he supposed to say? <em>I was sort of hoping that I could read your mind because I'm sort of, maybe, in love with you, and I have a really big fear of rejection so I just wanted to check to see if you liked me back because I'm really bad at telling those sorts of things and you were really bad at Occlumency up until this point, so I was hoping you would continue to be awful so I could invade your privacy, please and thank you</em>.</p><p>Yeah, Draco's going to get rejected.</p><p>Harry grins at him and stands there and it takes a second for it to click in Draco's head that he's waiting for Draco to do the thing.</p><p>So, brandishing his wand, Draco does the thing.</p><p>"<em>Legilimens!</em>" Draco exclaims. And he tries, he tries <em>so hard</em>.</p><p>And he can't get in. Harry's blocked him.</p><p>There's nothingness, for a moment, before Draco pulls away, breathing hard.</p><p>"You did it," Draco says. He can't keep the disappointment out of his voice. He doesn't try to.</p><p>Harry, though, doesn't notice. Instead, a smile spreads across his face, one that makes Draco's stomach do a little belly flop. "I did it," he repeats.</p><p>Despite himself, Draco can't help but soften at Harry's smile.</p><p>And then it hits him like a ton of bricks that <em>if Harry's done it doesn't that mean their lessons are done as well</em>.</p><p>Instead of saying anything productive — praise, happiness at Harry finally getting what he's been working so hard to do, <em>anything else</em>, words fall out of Draco's mouth before he can stop them.</p><p>"Doyouwanttogooutwithme?" he blurts out, all very fast and all one word.</p><p>"What?" Harry replies, the smile wiped off of his face.</p><p>Draco really needs to repair the filter between his mouth and his brain.</p><p>"Nothing," he says. Harry looks wide-eyed and confused, and Draco <em>knew </em>this would happen, he <em>knew</em>.</p><p>"Are you sure it's nothing?" Harry asks, all calm and collected. Draco's starting to wonder why he thought liking Harry was a good idea in the first place.</p><p>"Yeah, I'm pretty sure," Draco says, biting his lip and staring down at the ground. He wonders how badly his face is burning up right now and he desperately wants to look up to see what Harry's face looks like, but he keeps his head down. A weight appears on his shoulder and it takes Draco a moment to realize that it's Harry's hand.</p><p>Draco would like the floor to open up and swallow him. That, or a time machine that would let him go back and hit himself over the head <em>hard</em> before he said anything dumb like ask <em>Harry freaking Potter</em> out on a date.</p><p>"Draco," Harry says, and Draco feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest. That, or he's going to throw up. "Did you just ask me out on a date?"</p><p>Draco forces himself to look up, shrugging Harry's hand off of his shoulder. There's a frown on Harry's face and his eyebrows are furrowed. Draco can't really tell what Harry's feeling right now because <em>great</em>, Draco taught him to distance himself from his feelings. Nice one, Draco.</p><p>"It doesn't really matter," Draco says, quickly, blinking hard — <em>oh god, is he about to cry?</em> "That was a dumb thing to ask, you're probably straight, aren't you? That was —"</p><p>"I'm not," Harry says quickly, cutting Draco off. Draco bites his tongue, so hard he thinks he draws a little bit of blood.</p><p>"I'm sorry for asking," Draco says, cringing, and he really is. "I should've thought it through more, I just —"</p><p>"You want to go out on a date with <em>me</em>?" Harry asks, and Draco wonders what runs through Gryffindors' blood that makes them so <em>dumb</em>. Isn't it enough that Draco's humiliated? Does Harry <em>really</em> have to rub it in further?</p><p>"<em>Yes</em>," Draco says, feeling anger fester up inside of him. "<em>Christ</em>, I know it was a dumb suggestion. Can you just say no and we can move on?"</p><p>"Yes," Harry says, and Draco didn't think it would be that easy. Harry frowns, looking thoroughly confused. "I mean, no. I mean <em>yes</em>, but no. I mean." Harry sighs and his shoulders slump a little. Draco has no idea what is happening. "I would love to go on a date with you."</p><p>And doesn't that just break Draco's brain?</p><p>"Are you okay?" Harry asks, because Draco probably looks like a real dumbass, staring at Harry with his mouth agape, not saying a single word.</p><p>"Uh," Draco gets out. This isn't what he expected, not at all, but he knows that he has to say <em>something</em> before it's all taken away from him. "Yes?"</p><p>Harry must not hear how Draco can't help but ask it in a questioning way. If he's being entirely honest, he's not quite sure he's really awake right now. This is a dream, all of it. He's going to wake up, and the war won't even be over yet.</p><p>"I'll pick you up on Thursday?" Harry asks, and the way he's absolutely <em>beaming</em> has Draco begin to smile and he can't believe Harry said yes.</p><p><em>Harry said yes</em>.</p><p>"Yes," Draco says, nodding. His cheeks hurt from smiling so much and he thinks that he could produce a full Patronus, right now.</p><p>"I'll see you then," Harry says. Draco just grins back like an idiot.</p><p>Draco sees Harry out, and they share an awkward hug in the doorway that Draco can't help but hope will turn more natural in the future. The future… Once Harry is gone, Draco can't help but lean against the wall of his entrance hall, still not able to stop smiling.</p><p><em>He has a date</em>.</p><p>…</p><p>Harry picks him up the following Thursday and Draco is buzzing. He takes in Harry's outfit — just a simple t-shirt and jeans. It makes him relieved; he has no idea where Harry is taking him, so the fact that Harry's dressed just as casual as Draco is reassuring.</p><p>Harry holds out a hand towards Draco, and Draco takes it, his heart beating in his throat.</p><p>"You ready?" Harry asks. Draco nods, thinking about how soft Harry's hand is. In a moment, he's sucked into the still-unfamiliar darkness of Apparition. When he can see again, they're standing in front of an all-too-familiar building. Draco bites his tongue.</p><p>"I know it's nothing fancy," Harry says with a shrug, still holding Draco's hand, "but I thought it'd be familiar so it'd be nice."</p><p>Draco looks over at Harry, who's giving him a light smile. Draco drops his hand and he feels slightly sick.</p><p>"Yeah," Draco replies, trying to sound upbeat. He gives Harry the most real smile he can muster, and then, together, they walk into the Three Broomsticks.</p><p>Familiar. Yeah.</p><p>When they're inside, Draco can't help but look all over. He does <em>not</em> want to see —</p><p>And there, looking right at them is Madam Rosmerta. Guilt bubbles up in Draco's stomach.</p><p>"How about you sit down?" he asks, lightly touching Harry's arm. "Order whatever you want for me, I trust you," Draco says, still trying to plaster on a smile. "I need to use the bathroom."</p><p>"Sure," Harry says easily. Draco nods and he feels like a coward as he flees towards the restroom in the far back of the building.</p><p>Once Draco's inside of the bathroom, he takes a second to see if he's alone. Once he's determined that he is, he lets out a terrible whimper. He doesn't think he can breathe right. His lungs feel all tight, and his throat feels sort of scratchy, and he's breathing hard.</p><p>Is this what a panic attack is like? It's awful, Draco thinks, shutting his eyes tight. After a few moments, he opens them and looks down at his arm.</p><p><em>Why</em> didn't he wear long sleeves? There it is, that <em>stupid</em> mark, staring right back up at him. He's an <em>idiot</em>.</p><p>What is he supposed to do? Should he just go right back out to Harry and say he's sick and wants to go home? That seems too much like a cop-out, even to him. Should he tell Harry that, hey, the Three Broomsticks isn't really a great spot for a date for him because <em>he spent the majority of their sixth year controlling the landlady of the place?</em></p><p>God, Draco wishes he could erase his past.</p><p>After taking several deep breaths, Draco decides that he's just going to ignore it and try to have a nice, normal dinner. With any luck, he won't have to talk to Rosmerta at all. With one last deep breath, he exits the bathroom. He spots Harry in a booth in a little corner of the pub and makes his way over to him quickly, a fake smile on his face.</p><p>"Hi," Draco says, and he really <em>is</em> happy to be on a date with Harry. It'd just be nice to be… anywhere but here. "Is this steak?" Draco asks, looking down at the table where their food is. He sounds <em>way</em> too happy, he knows that, but for some reason, he can't make himself stop. "I like steak!"</p><p>"I'm sorry," Harry says, and Draco sees that Harry looks upset.</p><p>"What for?" Draco asks quickly, picking up his knife and fork and cutting into the food. If he actually eats any of it, he thinks he might throw up, but he can cut it. That's something he can do.</p><p>"For bringing you here," Harry replies. Draco focuses on a particularly tough section of his steak, staying quiet. "I forgot about our sixth year."</p><p>"Nice that you can forget," Draco says before he can think about the words. He bites his tongue, his mouth feeling bitter.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Harry says. "Do you want to go somewhere else?"</p><p>The thing is, Draco <em>knows</em> Harry is genuine. He knows that if he says the word, Harry will gladly take him anywhere else, and they'll be able to have a <em>nice</em> date. For some reason, though, Draco can't make himself do it.</p><p>"No, it's fine," Draco says, pressing his knife down so hard it collides with his plate. He flinches at the sound.</p><p>"She probably has forgiven you, if you want to talk to her," Harry says. Draco thinks that he might bite a hole in his tongue like this.</p><p>"No offense, but why should I believe you?" Draco says, trying to keep his voice as level as possible. He thinks it wavers a little. "Of course she would forgive <em>you</em>, but <em>I</em> don't get forgiveness."</p><p>"You got forgiveness from the Ministry itself," Harry says. Draco feels a little hysterical.</p><p>"Yeah, because <em>you</em> said I should," Draco says, still focusing on his food. "That's how it works. Guys like you get forgiveness. Guys like me almost never do."</p><p>Harry makes a little hurt sound, and it hurts Draco to know that it's true. He knows that he probably should talk to Rosmerta and that if he does, he probably <em>would</em> get forgiveness. At the same time, though, he doesn't think he could do it. That's another thing Harry doesn't understand; not everyone is a brave Gryffindor who doesn't care about what could come of them doing something rash. Draco is <em>scared</em>. He's a coward, really, when it comes down to it. Maybe, eventually, he could make himself to it, but not yet. Not now.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Harry says for the third time. Draco resists the urge to roll his eyes. "I know it's probably hard for you to think about —"</p><p>"So let's keep talking about it!" Draco exclaims, throwing down his knife and fork and looking up at Harry. Anger is coursing through him and he should probably just accept the apology and ask not to talk about it and <em>move on</em>. Instead, Draco keeps talking. "Let's keep talking about how <em>I'm a Death Eater</em> —"</p><p>"You're not," Harry says, cutting Draco off. He looks adamant about it, and somehow that makes Draco angrier.</p><p>"I'm a <em>Death Eater</em>," Draco says, showing Harry his Dark Mark in all its terrible glory.</p><p>"I don't care what you were," Harry says, his chin up. Draco believes him, but that's not what matters.</p><p>"Don't you understand?" Draco asks, letting out a little laugh. "It doesn't matter what <em>you</em> think. That's just how it is. I'm always going to be a Death Eater and you're always going to be the <em>Chosen One</em>, and this —" Draco gestures between them wildly, and Harry looks <em>defeated</em>.</p><p>It doesn't make Draco feel any better.</p><p>"Maybe this doesn't work," Harry finishes.</p><p>Draco deflates. He pulls back and bites his lip. His mouth feels like it's full of pop rocks. He doesn't want to agree, but what else can he do? It's <em>true</em>.</p><p>"Maybe it doesn't," he replies, looking down at his lap. There's a sharp pain behind his eyes, and Draco thinks that him crying would just be the cherry on top of a fantastic evening.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Harry says, once again. Draco wants to make him shut up. "I should've thought this through more. Maybe we don't work as more than friends but… Can we stay friends?" Harry asks, sounding hopeful. Draco makes himself nod, but that's just as painful. How is he supposed to just forget that he likes Harry as more than a friend? How is he supposed to just move on and just be friends with Harry?</p><p>"Can I still come over next week?" Harry asks. Draco thinks that he might start crying if he looks up at him.</p><p>"'Course," Draco replies. His voice is disgustingly hoarse. He hears the sound of gold coins being dropped onto the table and a chair being pushed back.</p><p>"Bye," Harry says, barely above a whisper. Draco doesn't reply.</p><p>After a few moments, Draco makes himself look up. He should cover the rest of the check and leave. It only takes him a few moments to count the Galleons Harry's left and Draco's stomach turns over.</p><p>He covered the entire meal.</p><p>…</p><p>Harry comes over the next Thursday, as always, but it feels all wrong. Before they decided to ruin their friendship, it was easy to have Harry over. They didn't need to talk much, they just <em>worked</em>.</p><p>Now, everything feels stiff and awkward, and Draco just wants to do this lesson and never see Harry again. That'd make him feel better.</p><p>"I was thinking we should practice with me again," Harry says, his voice sounding small. "To just make sure I can still do it, you know?"</p><p>"Yeah," Draco says, pulling out his wand. He wonders if Harry also feels how <em>awkward </em>it is between them. He doesn't particularly want to ask. A small part of his brain feels triumphant that Harry sounds hurt as well. That's what he deserves for turning the date sour in the first place, that part thinks. The larger part of his brain doesn't want Harry to hurt at all.</p><p>He just wants everything to turn back to the way it was. Maybe he can even forget he ever liked Harry. That'd be nice.</p><p>"You ready?" Draco asks, brandishing his wand. If this is their last lesson, he wants to give it his all. He owes Harry that, at least. Harry nods. "<em>Legilimens!"</em></p><p>And, instead of the blankness Draco expects to meet, he meets a memory. So maybe he's not the only one who's a little bit distracted. Harry didn't block him.</p><p>It takes Draco a second to realize what he's looking at. He thinks it must be a dream — can this spell even <em>see</em> dreams? — because he thinks he would've remembered it happening in real life.</p><p>Because there he is. And there Harry is. And there their lips are, touching. Draco can't make himself pull out.</p><p>He wants that. He wants <em>that</em>, him and Harry kissing, to be <em>real</em>. He wants it so bad, it's painful.</p><p>"<em>No!</em>" Harry shouts, and Draco's pulled out with a bang.</p><p>He's on his back, breathing hard, the force of Harry's defense sending him backward.</p><p>"Sorry," Harry says, standing up a little bit aways from Draco, breathing just as hard. "That was a dream."</p><p>"Shut up," Draco says, standing up and brushing his pants off with his hands. His heart is beating so fast with the thought of him kissing Harry. It's like he can feel it on his lips, as if it were real. It's so <em>vivid</em> in his mind, and Draco wants it. He wants it so, so bad,</p><p>"I'm <em>sorry</em>," Harry says again, and Draco almost wants to laugh. Doesn't he get it? <em>There's nothing for Harry to be sorry for</em>. Draco wonders, for the millionth time in his life, what makes Gryffindors so thick.</p><p>He hopes… he hopes he has the time to figure that out. He hopes he has the future to discover that.</p><p>"No, just <em>shut up</em>," Draco says, his body absolutely thrumming.</p><p>Harry looks like he wants to say something more, but he complies.</p><p>It takes Draco a moment to realize exactly <em>what</em> he's feeling, but he realizes that it's <em>joy</em>. It's pure, unadulterated <em>joy</em>. Which means, using this thought, and how he feels right now —</p><p>"<em>Expecto Patronum</em>," Draco says quietly, thinking about Harry, about kissing Harry, about having a relationship with him.</p><p>Silver spews out of his wand. It twists, and it takes form in the air, and it forms into a dragon. <em>Draco</em>.</p><p>Draco's so shocked, honestly, that it doesn't last long. He didn't think he could <em>actually</em> make it, but using Harry seems to do the trick. Harry <em>liking him</em>, seems so right as his best memory.</p><p>"Oh," Harry says. Draco looks over to him to see him watching the spot where his Patronus was. "What memory did you use?" he asks, and his voice sounds wet.</p><p>"A dream," Draco says, looking down at the floor. "I <em>would</em> like it to be real, though."</p><p>He thinks that he needs Harry to <em>not</em> be a Gryffindor for one second, and realize what he's saying. He doesn't think he's capable of saying much more right now. Draco sees Harry's feet move, and in a moment, there's a finger under his chin and Draco's looking into Harry's green eyes.</p><p>There's a moment of hesitation, and then Harry leans in, pressing his lips to Draco's. Something inside of Draco bursts, and he can't remember ever feeling so giddy in his entire life. <em>This</em>, this is perfect. Nothing can beat it.</p><p>"Wait," Harry says, pulling away. Draco's breathless. He gasps, but it feels like he can't get enough oxygen unless he kisses Harry again, <em>right now</em>. "Will you go on another date with me?"</p><p>"Yes, idiot," Draco says, his fingers tingling. "Now kiss me again."</p><p>Harry leans in, and their second kiss makes Draco's heart race and his head spin and it's every bit as perfect as their first kiss.</p><p>He's only thinking one thing, really. This is <em>much</em> better than just seeing Harry's dream of them.</p><p>He has a new happy memory to use next time.</p><p>…</p><p>
  <em>Five months later —</em>
</p><p>When Draco thinks about it, it's actually quite insane. There's no way that him and Harry should've ended up together. It just doesn't make sense. But still, somehow, Draco thinks that they were meant to be.</p><p>He looks over to his right, and Harry is there, right next to him, the same way Draco thinks he'll be for the rest of their lives. The thought makes Draco feel sappy, and he knows he probably has the dumb 'in-love' look Harry insists he always gets. Draco takes a moment, in the silence of the night, to watch Harry's chest move up and down and his boyfriend sleeps peacefully.</p><p>"I love you," he says out loud. It doesn't matter that Harry can't hear him, because Draco will say it again and again when he's awake. Besides, Draco knows that Harry knows that truth through and through.</p><p>Draco will never let him forget it.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>